Congratulations for using your head in affairs of the heart, and for getting a little analytical about those all-important parts of life that many abandon to chance and pure emotion: affection and close relationships: CONNECTIONS!
Times come and go. Wars erupt and fizzle. Nations rise and fall. But man's essential and undeniable biology decrees that the most important questions of life have to do with mating. They always have. They always will.
As a culture, we expect more from love than ever before. Ironically, we also expect less.
In former generations, mating was a once-and-for-all matter determined either by family expectations and arrangements, or by some adolescent infatuation that could be consummated only after a trip to the altar. We expected relatively little from marriage: constancy and mutual support and rearing children.
``Till death us do part'' remained the operative phrase.
Not so today. Now, we demand that love keep us happy, fill our needs for sexual excitement and satisfaction, creature comfort, friendship, fun, intellectual stimulation, security and companionship. Somewhere along the way, our drive for reproduction still comes into the picture, too.
And, now, when our relationships fail to meet these complex needs, we dissolve them and go searching for a new mate. Like the Mad Hatter's tea party in Alice in Wonderland, we leave our dirty dishes behind us and move to a fresh table setting. ``Clean cups! Move down!''
The stigma of divorce and of marriage-less intimate relationships is largely gone in our society. We've become what anthropologists dub a ``serially polygamous society,'' multiple mates over a lifetime.
Now we aren't stuck in unsatisfying relationships. We can start over. But the question arises: are we learning anything from the relationships that don't work? Are we getting better at the mating game?
That's what CONNECTIONS is all about. CONNECTIONS is a learning experience about love and mating, a new and different approach to ``matters of the heart'' using your head!
Let's start with an obvious cliche: opposites attract. They do. Or, in more understandable terms: complements attract. People often are drawn to what they are not.
To some extent, this yearning for one's opposite may stem from a deep-seated feeling of rejection: that there's obviously something wrong with us, and, thus, we search for someone ``better'' or more perfect.
To the extent that thinking-type people have been nagged and criticized for not being emotionally sensitive or ``in touch with their feelings,'' so thinkers may be drawn toward feeling-type mates.
To the degree that intuitives feel deficient for lacking a solid sense of reality a firm here-and-now perspective on the world then they may be attracted toward sensing types.
If perceptives are impressed either by experience or by criticism and condemnation with their lack of decision-making ability, they may seek out judging partners.
And when extraverts come to believe what their critics say: that they are boisterous, unreflecting, chatty, and superficial, they may decide that they need an introverted mate.
And, of course, the pressures also apply in reverse on all of these dimensions!
And, of course, the ``decision-making'' process we've alluded to is almost entirely subconscious!
The dilemma is this: all too often, after being attracted to a mate who differs radically from ourselves, we almost instantly undertake a destructive mission to remake the partner in our own image.
Keirsey and Bates dubbed this process ``the Pygmalion project,'' and the analogy with George Bernard Shaw's play is aptly drawn. If we find ourselves cast in the role of
Dr. Henry Higgins, doggedly nagging our Eliza Doolittle partner, we can bet that the relationship isn't long for this world or that it isn't destined to be very happy!
So, opposites may attract, but the relationship may not be a lasting one unless both partners continue to appreciate each other for the differences which drew them together in the first place!
An alternative approach is to search for one's soul-mate: the personality image of ourselves. That tactic is the one favored by most of the matchmaking services, and it has a good deal to recommend it.
If Lee's an outdoor person who loves weekend backpacking trips roughing it in the wild, it's great if Jan enjoys the same adventure.
If Leslie is a quiet type who enjoys classical music and reading every evening, what could be better than spending time with Bo, whose tastes are similar?
Intellectuals appreciate the stimulation other thinker-types provide them. And feeling-types are relieved to find sensitive partners who share their value system.
But there are hazards, too, in like-attracts-like coupling. Two introverts may become totally reclusive. Two extraverts may wear each other out. Two intuitives may never attend to the details of life, and so on.
Each partner may ratify his or her own shortcomings in the mate, and neither person may experience the growth that comes with coping effectively and creatively with individual differences.
It makes no sense to take a hard and fast stand on whether you'll be happiest paired with your opposite or with your personality twin. You be the judge.
The objective of this profile is to help you become a bit more analytical about your relationships. Learn to recognize the individual differences which are important for your mating style. Understand how these differences may have affected your pas t relationships and your present ones.
And then use that knowledge to your benefit as you move forward with your love life!
Hopefully, this learning will help you become a bit more accepting of yourself and your partners, and a bit more responsible for the happiness of your life.
Now, we don't suggest that you turn into a balance-sheet lover, jotting down the assets and liabilities of each potential partner. But we do believe that differences in personal style are important in assessing the long-term outcome of love relation ships, so you'd best go into them with your eyes wide open.
With more insight about your loving style, you may be able to trade in your maladaptive feelings of victimization and persecution for some good-natured acceptance of the fact that different people behave in predictably different ways.
With more insight you may see that any loving connection that's based on the notion that one or both people must sacrifice their individuality to make the relationship work is no bargain for either party.
``Live and let live!'' is the motto of the day, in love as in all interpersonal relationships.
Now let's take a look at your personal CONNECTIONS profile and the predictable ups and downs of your interactions with other personality types.
INSTRUCTIONS: This little quiz has been engineered to help you figure out your mate's type. This is a ``quickie'' test, usually effective at pinpointing the critical personality features for mating. The inventory has four parts:
The inventory takes only a couple of minutes to complete, and it is self-scoring.
Just ask your mate to choose the paragraph of each pair which describes him or her best. Explain that no one is totally one way or the other, but that most of us do have a preference.
If your mate is really stuck on one item, choose the two four-letter descriptions that might fit, and make the final choice based on your reading of those type descriptions.
If your mate turns out to be an INTP, ENTP, INTJ, or ENTJ, we'll call that person an (NT)ANALYST. Be sure you note the significant effects exercised by the other letters (I or E, P, or J).
If your mate turns out to be an ISTP, ESTP, ISFP, or ESFP, we'll call that person an (SP)REALIST. Note the impact of the other letters (I or E, T or F) in trying to figure out this person.
If your mate is an INFP, ENFP, INFJ, or ENFJ, we'll use the word (NF)EMPATHIST to sum up their key temperament, but, be advised that their preferences on I or E and P or J will make a difference in their overall personality.
If your mate is an ISTJ, ESTJ, ISFJ, or ESFJ, that translates to the (SJ)LEGALIST temperamental style. Watch out for the effects of introversion-extraversion and thinking-feeling in understanding this person's behavior.
Needless to say, this ``quickie quiz'' is just an approximate one. If the relationship is serious, or promises to be, you'll want to make sure that the full-length Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is completed.
Which paragraph of each pair sounds most like you?
I am quiet, reserved and a little hard to know even though I do have a social side. I need more peace and privacy than most people. I am likely to think without speaking. I am an INTROVERT, I
I am practical and realistic. I am most comfortable dealing in the here-and-now, the real world. I like to think I keep both feet on the ground in my daily life. I am a SENSOR, S
I am logical and I almost always make decisions on a rational, impersonal basis or, at least, I like to think I do. Reason runs my life. I am a THINKER, T
I am flexible, and I can always see the other person's viewpoint in a controversy. I am more comfortable observing, listening, taking in information, than I am making decisions and judgments. I am uncomfortable when I have to deal with dogmatic
or closed-minded people. I am a PERCEPTIVE-TYPE, P
The preceding was based on the Meyers-Briggs Type Inventory (MBTI). This is not meant to replace the inventory which is a more reliable measurement of personality type. To receive the MBTI, please send $40 in check or money order made out to Self-Help & Empowerment Enterprises, along with name and address. Within two weeks of receipt of the completed test, you will receive a print out of your type, your type at work, and your mating type (approximately 15-20 pages).
Please send to:
S.H.E. Enterprises
5954 Mallow Trail
Mason Neck, VA 22079
It Takes All Types is a seminar which helps participants understand their own strengths as well as their challenges. This seminar utilizes one of the most statistically valid and reliable psychological tools available: The Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).
The average person reacts to the term "personality profile" with skepticism and trepidation because they fear labeling and judgment. The MBTI is most useful in that it neither indicates pathology nor judgment: it simply indicates a person's preference style for gathering information, decision-making, and energy-sourcing based upon their own choices. It gives a person a starting point to fully utilize their strengths and understand and develop their lesser-preferred functions.
The seminar itself is, above all, fun! It consists of less than one-fourth "lecture" and the rest experiential exercises. These exercises show, rather than tell, the participants how their preferences play out in day to day working. Because there is no exploration of personal issues, and no judgment as to which type is best, participants come away from the seminar not only feeling validated but also with a deeper understanding of how to better communicate with their co-workers. The result is both a personal and team-building experience.
Some typical remarks about the seminar have been:
"Now I understand how to communicate better with ________."
"No wonder she and I get along so well, we're the same type!"
"I thought he was just ignoring me, when it turns out we were just speaking different languages."
And even, "My husband wasn't here for the seminar, but you just saved my marriage--now I understand why he does those things!" Objectives for Participants:
Penny Potter is a certified administrator of the MBTI. She has been providing businesses, couples, and individuals the MBTI seminars and counseling in the Washington D.C. area for three years. Some of her clients include the U.S. Army, First Quality Mortgage, and The Prudential Preferred Properties.
Seminar dates, times, and particulars can be made by calling 703-550-2374.
Follow the links below to learn more about each Mating Type.
Follow these links to learn more about how different Mating Types interact.
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© 1995 S.H.E. Enterprises, 5954 Mallow
Trail, Lorton, VA 22079 USA